Gay FAQ

Below are some common questions and their answers from an expert on nothing, infused with a touch of humor.

Again, please be clear that I am NEITHER an authoritative NOR professional source on these issues, questions, and/or concerns. All the answers reflect my personal opinion and experience only. (As well as my own strange sense of humor.)

Do you have a question not answered here or you think should be answered here? Email me.

1. What causes homosexuality?

2. Is homosexuality a psychological disorder?

3. Is homosexuality normal?

4. Does having a same-sex experience or fantasizing about the same-sex mean I'm gay?

5. How can I tell if I'm gay?

6. How can I tell if somebody else is gay?

7. If I'm gay does that mean I have to do (fill in the blank)?

8. I think I'm gay, should I tell others?

9. Can I cure myself of being gay?

10. Am I and/or other gay people going to hell?

11. Does being gay mean I will contract HIV?

12. How can I prevent HIV?

13. Where can I find other gay people like me?

14. Where are some gay-friendly organizations or businesses?

15. What's up with the rainbow stuff?

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1. What causes homosexuality? Being exposed to too much Cher and Madonna at early, critical developmental stages.

Actually, nobody knows for certain. Scientific evidence seems to point towards a genetic conclusion, but no definitive results have been achieved. Studies have neither demonstrated any environmental factors common to gay men or women. Old myths about the overpowering mother or the absent father have long been dispelled. The debate between "nature or nurture" continues. Every sensible person, however, agrees that homosexuality is not a choice or preference.

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2. Is homosexuality a psychological disorder? For several years now psychologists and doctors have overwhelmingly agreed that it is NOT a psychological disorder. For several years the American Psychiatric Association did list is as such, but it has been removed as such since the 1980's. Many gay men and women lead very healthy, sane lives. Which is more than can be said for Pat Robertson.

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3. Is homosexuality normal? It depends on what you mean as "normal." If "normal" means routine, or common, or the majority, then no, homosexuality is not normal in that case. Figures range that every 1 in 10 person is gay, some say high as 1 in 3. Still, the vast majority of the population is heterosexual and that to me is a good thing if we're going to survive as a species.

Now, if you mean "normal" as in acceptable behavior, a positive activity, or naturally occurring, well then YES! Gay people often contribute significantly to society and lead productive, benevolent lives. Also, homosexuality does occur in nature outside of human affairs. Various other animal species have been shown to engage in same-sex sexual activity.

Lastly, I'd just like to know what "normal" is and who the role model for it is. There's a lot of "normal" people I could care less to be like.

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4.Does having a same-sex experience or fantasizing about the same-sex mean I'm gay? WITHOUT A DOUBT!!!

Seriously, not necessarily. If you have thought of having sexual relations with a person of the same sex, or even had sexual relations with them, you might just be experimenting. Some people want to try it out and then find it's not for them. The only thing that makes you gay is if you decide you are gay. Which brings us to...

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5. How do I tell if I'm gay? Somebody you know is getting a toaster.

This is a difficult question that isn't easily answered. I didn't come to terms with being gay until I was almost thirty years old. Many men figure it out in their early teens. Some women don't come out until they are in their 40's. Statistically, gay and lesbians discover their sexuality in their early teens but don’t develop a positive identity until late to mid-twenties.

You'll have to go through a lot of soul searching on this one. But as a general rule of thumb, if you are consistently attracted to members of the same sex, frequently think about members of the same sex in a romantic or erotic manner and/or have persistent fantasies about members of the same sex, you should give serious consideration that you might be gay. Even this isn't definitive, but it is a good indication.

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6. How can I tell if somebody else is gay? It’s tattooed across the back of our necks. (Thank you for that 1% who'll understand that Python reference.)

Despite the fun of joking about “gaydar” (the ability to detect if people are gay) you really can’t. What does “gay” look like? Stereotypes exist of feminine or well-dressed/groomed men, but that doesn’t fit everyone. There are lots of masculine gay men and feminine lesbians. There are lots of gay slobs who would benefit from the Queer Eye for the Queer Guy treatment. Go to a pride parade and look around – gay people have ever type of look and lifestyle you can image. That’s why people who talk about the “gay lifestyle” are so funny to me. That phrase is as meaningful as the “straight lifestyle” or the “elephant lifestyle.”

If you want to know if somebody is gay because you are attracted to them, then men who hang out in gay bars are a good indication or men who stop you in the grocery store to ask you if you think that arugula goes with white wine. Women comparing power drills at Home Depot are another good indicator. Seriously, if you are interested in somebody who you aren’t certain about, you can go up to them and ask them out, although I don’t really recommend this outside of a establishment that is gay-oriented (no, I’m not talking about Pottery Barn). Or try making prolonged eye contact. Just from experience, an interested party will hold the look, while others will just look away. As you walk by, an interested party may take a second glance back, so make sure you do the same. Or go up and start a conversation about something they are looking at in the store, this might be a neutral way to get a better idea.

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7. If I'm gay does that mean I have to do (fill in the blank)? No. Define what being gay means for yourself. You don’t have to wear certain clothes, live a certain way, take drugs, drink alcohol, go to certain places, know a complete inventory of show tunes, love Barbara or Liza (they’re both overrated anyway – viva la Cher!), or engage in any certain sexual activities. Don’t let anybody tell you different.

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8. I think I'm gay, should I tell others? That is a very personal choice. There is no right answer, but being out could lead to consequences you need to prepare for, just in case. I believe that in the long run, you will feel better about yourself being out. I am completely out, but it took me about two years to get there. I started by telling the people I thought would be most supportive first and working from a strong support base to people I was less sure about their feelings about this or might be hurt more by the news.

That’s the tactic I advocate – tell the people you feel will give you an emotional support network first. You should definitely consider if outing yourself will impact your current physical safety or financial status. For example, if you are a teen and you think you might get thrown out of the house, you should wait until you can support yourself or some long-term alternative is available. If outing yourself at work might get you fired, try to find a supportive-work environment at another business (which may or may not be readily available or practical).

You can also be out to some people or in some situations and not in others. I know many people who are out in their personal lives, but not at the office. They all have different reasons, one of which is that most co-workers don't have any business in your private life, gay or straight.

If being in the closet is going to cause you to act in irresponsible and dangerous behaviors – taking drugs, cheating on a wife or husband, unprotected sex, sex with random strangers, sex in illegal areas, etc. – then I firmly believe you must come out to save yourself and others.

Ultimately, you have the weigh the pros and cons – consider your self-image and self-worth, emotional health, physical well-being, and financial situation in this decision.

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9. Can I cure myself of being gay? Some people think so. I don’t (and, really, why would you want to if you could). I think you can suppress homosexual behavior, but I don’t think you can “stop” being gay. The American Psychological Association, the preeminent governing body for psychiatrists, does not advocate reparative therapy (therapy to "cure" homosexuality) and actually considers it harmful.

My opinion is that people unhappy being gay are unhappy either because they have no supportive people in their life or they have bought into all the negative messages people put out about gay people. If you are unhappy, find a support group or a gay-friendly counselor to work through your issues, please. Talk to a minister at a Unitarian or Metropolitan Community Church, visit a local gay/lesbian community center, or contact PFLAG or GLSEN. Heck, email me – I’m happy to talk with you (although I’m not an expert, just a helping ear).

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10. Am I and/or other gay people going to hell? A lot of so-called religious people would have us think so.

I’ll be honest, I can only answer this from a Christian (as opposed to, say, a Jewish or Muslim) perspective. I’ve read a lot, prayed a lot, and talked to people a lot about it. Ultimately, all I have is my opinion and personal interpretation of the Bible. I pray for forgiveness where I may be wrong.

I think the Bible has been misunderstood about homosexuality being a sin. I think the Bible addresses homosexual abusive or pederasty but not loving homosexual relationships. (See more on this here.)

Even if I’m wrong in how I interpret the Bible on homosexuality, I also think that today we have a very different understanding as a society and culture on issues and stances that the Bible clearly advocates, such as the suppression of women at church, advocating slave ownership, or killing disrespectful children. If the Bible does address homosexuality as a sin, then I think it does in the societal context and understanding of the writers, and, as such, our understanding of it can change as it has with these other issues.

Lastly, worst case, if it is a sin (again, I don’t think it is ), then it is no worse a sin than any other. All sin is equal in the eyes of God. I am a sinner for many things, as is every other person on the planet. I ask God to forgive me for all my sin, known and unknown.

I find it hard to believe that, as a Christian, God would condemn me to hell because of who I love and have sex with. Nothing in my heart or mind can reconcile the belief that God no longer loves me because of who I love or how I have sex (with another consenting adult).

Here, however, is a list of people who should go to hell (all in fun). And for some more serious thought on the nature hell, try here and here.

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11. Does being gay mean I will contract HIV? No. HIV infection was on the decline in the gay male population in the 90’s although it is on the rise again. People, especially young gay men, have stopped seeing AIDS as a problem because of all the medicine available to help surpress it. They weren't around for the horrible times of the epidemicin the 80's and don't realize that current medicines usualy have side-effects as bad as the diesease. Some may be "protesting" from the diluge of safe sex messages they have seen over the past decade or so.

Lesbian are at very low risk for HIV, although it is still possible to contract. Gay men are still at high risk, but being gay does not mean you will automatically get HIV or AIDS.

Take precautions. Be sensible in your choices (and don’t make choices drunk or high). Educate yourself. Get tested regularly. Don't combine alcohol and/or drugs with sex. Don't be promiscuous; get to know the people you have sex with first. See HIV and AIDS as a real threat. Remember, there is no cure.

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12. How can I prevent HIV? Don’t have sex.

Sorry, that’s not one of my bad jokes. Abstinence is the only sure way to make sure you don’t get HIV. Hate to be the one to break the bad news to you.

Since most people don’t or won’t practice abstinence, then always (and I mean ALWAYS) use protection. Protection means a latex condom or dental dam (a sheet of latex for oral-genital contact). Condoms are a must for men. Current information advocates that you NOT use condoms with Monoxodyl-9 on them however. Other types of condoms are fine. If your partner refuses to use one, refuse to have sex with that person.

Know your sexual partners. You’re increasing your odds of contracting HIV if you are having anonymous sex on any basis. You need to talk with your partner and find out if they are positive or not. Also, knowing your partner for a while before having sex increases the chance that they aren’t lying about their sexual health.

Don't combine alcohol and/or drugs with sexual decision making. Impaired judgment leads to bad decisions.

Don’t forget that there are other sexually transmitted diseases besides HIV/AIDS out there that range from deadly to inconvenient.

Get test regularly. If you are active sexually, you should be getting an HIV test. These are available widely and range in cost. GLBT centers or AIDS groups often offer testing for a low cost ($20 or less) and usually anonymously. Commercial lab testing is available although it may cost more (up to $60 or more) and may not be anonymous (but if you pay cash, you can fill out the information as a pseudonym). Most health plans offer it, but then you have that on your medical file which could be detrimental in some professions.

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13. Where can I find other gay people like me? Home Depot. Fixtures department for men, power-tools for the women. Ha!

This is a common issue, particularly if you are in a smaller-town. Most large cities have organizations that can connect you or GLBT switchboards you can call. Smaller towns might have some type of support group or organization, but may be harder to find. Still, gay people are everywhere, even if it isn’t always apparent. (I have an acquaintance who lived in a town in North Dakota – he claimed he was one out of 10 gay men in the state, but hey he did at least find some other men!)

The internet has been a boon to us gay folk – PlanetOut.com, Gay.com, and 365gay.com are some good sites, although they can be pricey for good personal ads. I find that PlanetOut ads are better for finding people in relationships. Gay.com tends to be for quick hook-ups, although their chat engine is great. Using Yahoo personals seems to have degraded to the lowest common denominator – I don’t recommend it. OutInAtlanta, OutInCharlotte, and OutInYourCityHere is a good way to meet gay people local to your area. You can even try organizations like the HRC (Human Right Campaign), or PFLAG.

Check out my Queer Links for other gay sites.

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14. Where are some gay-friendly organizations or businesses? The HRC loves to let you know about these things. Here is their web site. Check out my queer links for gay organizations.

I will say that Target I have always heard is a very gay-friendly and usually you can find a number of “family” members working there. I love Target!

The American Episcopal church is unfortunately splitting over the issue of gay clergy, but they've typically been fairly affirming of gay members for quite some time. Local churches will obviously vary. It quite there yet, but it is probably the most progressive of mainstream protestant denominations in concern to gay matters. Presbyterians seem to be making some progressives steps too. For more on gay affirming religious organizations, check out my Gay Faith page.

I’ll update this as I become more aware of other gay-friendly organizations. And remember, Martha doesn’t really love you, she just wants your money.

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15. What's up with the rainbow stuff? The rainbow flag symbolizes the diversity of gay people and the pride we have in our community. I also tend to believe that it represents the hope of a better future and tomorrow (how very Dorothy of me).
Other symbols of gay pride are the pink triangle, which was originally used by the Nazis to label homosexuals in concentration camps. Since then it has be reclaimed by gay activists as a symbol of pride. See the movie Bent or the documentary Paragraph 175 for insight into the life for gay people in Nazi Germany.

Other flags and symbols are out there. Here is a link to some more.

And contrary to popular opinion, Glenda the Good Witch is not a role model for gay men. Ok, not for most of us.